How to Tell If Your Rep In Congress Is an Alien
May 1, 2004

by Joseph P. Tartaro
Executive Editor

Trips to the supermarket for food shopping are not one of my favorite things, especially having to wait in line at the checkout counter when everyone ahead of me has a problem.

But as I get closer to the conveyor belt and the cash register, there is a brief time for one of the more humorous moments of the week. That’s when I scan the headlines on what are generally referred to as “The Supermarket Press.”

If you’ve never come face to face with some of these publications, let me provide a bit of introduction. The term “Supermarket Press” usually refers to the tabloids with wild headlines and bizarre stories that most people would find hard to believe. Some of the so-called slick mainstream magazines dealing with soap opera doings and doers, Hollywood celebrities, and the sexual needs of men and women of all ages are not part of the Supermarket Press. These supermarket tabloids comprise a publishing genre that deals exclusively with stories and photos so weird and outlandish that academics pursue studies to determine just what kind of people read these publications—and why. The headlines and the art (most of the photos are not just weird but greatly retouched and augmented) seem to purposely try to get people to buy the publications because of their surrealism.

Until the other day, I had never bought one of these rags, but they finally got me. I don’t know how many such publications exist in our galaxy or how much they all cost, but if you search the subject on the Internet you will discover that there is a list of the “top 10” supermarket tabloids. The one I bought cost $1.99.

I am informed that millions of these tabloids are sold every week, and I know that publishers pay premiums to the store chains to dangle their magazines and newspapers before people caught in such high traffic locations. I also know a daily newspaper crime reporter who once sold a rewrite of one of his stories to one of these tabloids for a lot of moolah. So there must be a lot of dough in these enterprises.

Be that as it may, I finally bought a copy of the Apr. 19, 2004 issue of the Weekly World News, perhaps one of the most bizarre in a bizarre bunch. I was so tickled by two headlines on the cover that I had to buy it so that I could share it with Gun Week readers who I assume would find these particular stories might make a modicum of sense.

The headlines that caught my eye were:

1. “Twelve Members of Congress Are Space Aliens” which was superimposed on an image of the Capitol Building and a group of real members of Congress onto which someone’s fanciful idea of space aliens was superimposed, and

2. “How to Tell If Your Representative is an E.T.”

I disregarded all the other weird headlines about “Why the Pope Loves Weekly World News;” and “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Draw Queen’s Coach,” or “Newlyweds Found in Titanic Life Raft . . . (skeletal) Groom still kissing (skeletal) bride after 92 years.”

The part about the space aliens in Congress was enough of a grabber for me, and probably most other Congress watchers, but I have to admit to some disappointment. After I fell for the headline and bought this tabloid, the first thing I wanted to know was who the 12 were. Well, the pope may think the Weekly World News is great, but I think they welched on the headline.

While there were pictures of Sens. Edward Kennedy (D-MA), Joe Lieberman (D-CT) and Tom Daschle (D-SD) as well as House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL), they never really said who the 12 E.T.s on Capitol Hill really were.

Sure they included “quotations” from unnamed FBI sources and even included a picture of an unhappy FBI Director Robert Mueller, who was reportedly going to have to answer to President Bush for why it took his agency so long to discover the aliens on the Hill, but no real names.

The best the tabloid could come up with, besides the so-called photo of an alien with the claim that as “shape-shifters” the aliens can take whatever form they want, there wasn’t any significant meat in the main article. Of course, the way that tabloid linked many of the strategies and legislative actions of the unnamed aliens in Congress to real events seemed to help to explain what is often unexplainable about statements and votes by the majorities of both the House and the Senate.

But what really struck home was the list of five things that will help you to know whether or not your representative is an extra-terrestrial. The tabloid claim that the five criteria were not a proof of alienship, but warned that the more of the five traits your rep exhibits, the more likely it is that he or she is a space alien.

Here’s what to look for, and I quote:

“1. Space aliens can be high-handed and act superior because they come from advanced cultures and are far more intelligent than you are. If you feel a congressman talks down to his constituents or patronizes them shamelessly, he might be from another world.

“2. Space aliens never quite assimilate the meanings of words in English and use words in ways that are wildly nebulous and abstract. If you notice that your eyes are glazing over and you’re getting sleepy while listening to a congressman try to answer a simple question or give a speech, chances are he’s got alien blood flowing through his veins.

“3. Space aliens are very good at seeing shades and levels of reality that humans are too primitive to recognize or understand. If a congressman ‘speaks out of both sides of his mouth’ or even seems to lie through his teeth, he may be a space alien who hasn’t yet learned that you aren’t evolved enough to understand that ‘black’ and ‘white’ and ‘up’ and ‘down’ are the same thing.

“4. Space alien females tend to be homely or even look like men in wigs and women’s clothes. If a congressman purports to be female, but doesn’t quite look it, you’ll want to keep an eye on her.

“5. Space aliens don’t always show up on a camera. If you seldom see a particular congressman on national television—or what legislative action on C-Span and notice some empty chairs—don’t take it lightly.”

That’s their list, but in a strange way, when they’re talking about politicians, it helps to explain a lot—like the way they adhere to their oath to uphold the Constitution.